Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Pain

I have this theory that all couples engage in sadomasochism on some level, whether or not they know it, whether or not it’s sexual. The instinct to inflict or receive pain, to wield or relinquish power, is so primitive and instinctual, it’s within us all.
I once read this novel about wolves. The protagonist was a young female wolf, new to the pack. She was so driven by instinct… she second guessed nothing, was taught nothing. She succumbed every moment to what her body and id urged her to. At a display of power from the pack leader, she’d roll onto her back or display her neck, making herself vulnerable and accessible. I’m beneath you! You can have me! Please protect me!
Power establishment is an animal thing. We tap into it during our most animal moments, sex. And pain is a tool to assert this power.
Ever since I was in training pants, I was having fantasies about bondage. Before I knew what sex was, I fantasized about being tied to a rock and having things – strange things- done to me.
When I learned about sex, my fantasies took a more clear direction. I thought about being raped. Or molested. Always restrained.
For the record, I had a happy childhood and was never sexually abused. These dark sexual impulses aren’t always an attempt to relive early sexual trauma.
My fixation on bdsm continued into my adulthood, but it went largely unexplored in my real life. Occasionally I’d feel pain during sex or during foreplay, and I found it unpleasant and distracting. I came to believe that I enjoyed the illusion of pain, but not the reality of pain.
I was wrong.
The first time G hurt me was when he fucked my ass. I soaked myself as it happened, but I thought it was from the eroticism of the encounter and had nothing to do with the physical pain. The next time he hurt me was during vaginal sex. I was spread on top of him, riding. He reached his hand up and slapped me in the face.
He slapped me in the face!
G knows what he’s doing. He hit me softly enough I wasn’t actually hurt. He did it to gauge my reaction. He did it to test my limits.
God it was hot. It shocked me. He hit me in the face! Did he have no boundaries? Hitting a woman in the face??
I thought about that moment and masturbated so many times.. I hoped I made it clear to him that I liked it, because I was desperate for it to happen again.
Some people have the wrong idea about masochists. It’s not that pain feels good to us. We don’t perceive pain differently. It fucking hurts. I don’t like walking in uncomfortable shoes, hang nails drive me crazy, and last week I almost punched my eyebrow threader in the jaw.
I don’t know why my body responds differently when G hurts me. I don’t know if it’s the contrast of pain and arousal. I don’t know if pain simply elevates the power hierarchy.
All I know is if G’s fucking me and pulls my nipple so hard I gasp, he tells me I get wetter. When he slaps me, I get wetter. When he pulls my hair, I get wetter.
There’s a shift when pain is introduced to the situation. The stakes are raised. When pain arrives, fear arrives. And fear is a whole other aphrodisiac.
How hot is it that he enjoys it, too? How amazing is it that there are people in this world who get off on hurting others during sex? (Obviously this only works if both parties understand the other is enjoying it on an underlying level). But he likes it! I swear to god- he genuinely likes hurting me!
Isn’t that hot?
I have been hurt by other men in bed, but I’ve only enjoyed it with G. It takes a special type of person to hurt you and make you love it.
I’ve been hurt by a different man out of clumsiness. Fucking ouch- not sexy. I’ve been hurt by another man who generously tried hurting me in an effort to give me what I wanted. Sweet, but sad. Not sexy. L
When G hurts me, it’s intentional. And it’s for his own enjoyment. Sure, he knows I’m an up and coming pain slut. He knows it gets me off. But he also does it because it turns HIM on. He likes exerting control. He likes pinching and pulling and slapping and choking. He likes making me beg him for more and beg him to stop. He likes it when I squeal.
G once told me there are some women who enjoy pain. There are some women who enjoy the illusion of pain. There are some women who enjoy the anticipation of pain.
He can recognize them all.
Wouldn’t a man like that make you want to do something? What would you do for a man who can recognize what you need before you do, and inflict whatever it is until you cum screaming? What would you do for him?
… Show him your belly? ;-)

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